no extra hands and yet loving it... quite.

i am helper-less since last week of december 2011. the last helper we had went to their province for her annual vacation but few days before she's supposed to come back she sent me an sms saying that her older sister is due to give birth and she needs to help her with her kids. hence, she won't be going back to us. whether she's saying the truth or not i do not care. i've been meaning to ditch her anyway but i was planning to do it after we've transferred to this house. she had giving me headaches anyway with her sneak-outs and other forms of stubbornness. i was really willing to let her go.

so the next question is: am i looking for her replacement? the truth is no, i am not looking for a replacement. not now, not even soon. i am still enjoying the privacy that having no stranger in the house brings. am enjoying this life that i don't have to adjust or makisama to anyone. am also enjoying the little savings monthly as i don't have to give someone her salary, not to mention the regular supply of toiletries and whats-not. it's also good that inigo is becoming responsible as i ask him to help me in the house by picking up his and even his brother's mess.

but i admit it's hard to juggle the tasks of taking care of the kids and the house. my eyebags are getting bigger as my sleep is becoming shorter. i had to take more vitamins now as my energy can't keep up with the chores. even my quality time with the boys were affected. i can no longer sit down with them for more than 30 minutes except during inigo's learning time which we do when theo is having his afternoon nap, though i sometimes catch myself dozing off with him.

my life is bitter-sweet now but still i prefer it this way. as i've always said, i can bear an aching body but not the kunsiminsyon having a househelp bring.

he was just once my little boy

someone shared the video "the gift of an ordinary day" by katrina kenison with me and it brought me to tears as soon as i watched it.

here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0&noredirect=1

i can give a lot of reasons why i can relate with ms. kenison's telling, and one obvious reason is am also a mom of two boys, who i now dutifully make peanut butter sandwich and baking soda volcanoes for. but there was one episode in my last week which already made me cry as it taught me to let go

it happened before the kids' bedtime. we were all--inigo, theo, and I--in the shower and i was giving the two boys a bath. i immediately brought theo to our bedroom after i have washed him to dress him up in his pajamas. but before we left i told inigo to wait for me so he can have his turn in bathing. it took me a few minutes to go back to the bathroom and as soon as i stepped in inigo proudly announced that he's already done with his bath. i was doubtful on how it went so i took the soap and tried to soap his neck, but he told me, "i already soaped my neck, mommy." i went down to his torso but he objected, "i also soaped my tummy." i went down further but he kept on telling me that it's all done. i paused then nonchalantly told this to him, "awww... so mommy doesn't need to give you a bath na pala." to which he replied, "yes, i can already do it." i quite absorbed the fact that taking a bath is already one of the many things he's trying to do on his own lately but i don't know what's with me that night that made me utter this... "so mommy doesn't have to take care of you." he cut me off saying, "but mommy, i'm already a big boy." note that he wasn't mad when he said this. he was in fact apologetic over the truth that he's now a big boy and he wanted to do most things on his own. it shook me and i realized that i was in tears. i was emotional. there he was facing me, my used-to-be baby who kept on calling mommy for everything but now wanted to have his freedom during bath time and in other things. and there i was, the mom, who's afraid of the future that she's already irrelevant in her son's life.

to say that we have to let our kids spread their wings and let them fly is easier said than done. too much struggle is involved especially for a mom who sees her kids almost 24/7. but i do hope that i will have the grace to learn to let them go when the due time comes. but for now, i will enjoy the everyday gift of having them and that i am the center of their universe.