baby angel

it was first week of march this year when i thought of buying a pregnancy kit because i had a hunch that i might be expecting as my monthly period is delayed. i immediately bought one and checked myself the next morning. two lines registered in the bar. jude who was home that time asked me about the result as soon as i got out of the bathroom. i was sobbing... and i could not explain why. i was happy but my anxiety was more overpowering. i felt a pang of fear. probably because i wasn't sure how i will handle three kids and if jude can provide for them. 

but my fears vanished as excitement crept in. we broke the news to our family and friends that we're expecting when the hcG test and the ultrasound confirmed that indeed a baby is growing inside my tummy. the boys are equally excited. inigo, who was already bugging me since last week of february on what would be the name of their baby sister... a premonition probably... made himself more busy thinking of baby names. we also started to orient theo of his soon-to-be role and we fondly called him kuya theo. he was delighted.

a picture of baby angel

but the excitement only lasted for few more weeks. i experienced bleeding first week of april which prompted jude to bring me to the hospital on a holy thursday. should i say i was scared? i was. i was so scared! i could not look at my underwear everytime i peed because i was afraid to see blood stains again. the experience was traumatic.

i was discharged that  night as the resident OB, after doing an internal exam on me, said that my cervix is still intact. i squeezed her hands tightly upon hearing that out of relief, and most of all, out of joy. but she asked me to go back after holy week to undergo another ultrasound so we can find out where the bleeding is coming from.

so we--jude, the boys, and i--went back to st. luke's monday after the holy week. we have to tag the boys along as we don't have anyone in the house to leave them with. did you read s-t-r-e-s-s? anyway, we proceeded to the ultrasound room and waited for my turn. i conditioned myself to think positive, even when i sense that there's something wrong when the sonologist was checking me. i mustered enough courage to ask why, what's wrong, which forced the sonologist to be upfront. my would-be third baby has no more heartbeat. tears welled in my eyes. how can a life grow inside me and die inside me in a matter of days? what could have i done wrong to lead it to miscarriage? then the sonologist called for jude who was out in the lounge together with the boys. i could not forget the smiles in their faces as they were excited to see in the screen the newest member of our family. if i was sad, jude was devastated when the sonologist broke out the news to him. as he described it, the feeling was like all the energy was drained from his body as soon as he heard the news as he was not ready for it. he was that optimistic.

we went to see an OB (mine that time was in the delivery room) right after my ultrasound. i could not remember her name, but she was a very kind doctor who assured me first that it wasn't my fault that i miscarried. it was really due to happen. my first ultrasound revealed that my embryo's size wasn't normal for her gestational age. but by twist of fate i forgot to bring the film to my OB in one of my earlier check-ups that's why i wasn't forewarned that a miscarriage is imminent. it was really bound to happen. not because we went to davao for a trip... not because i was still carrying theo... not because i was cleaning the whole house and tending two active boys.

that night, part of our prayer changed. it was no longer "take care of baby inside mommy's tummy" but "we pray for baby angel." we call her our baby angel and we know she whispers to Papa Jesus prayers for our family.

*** 
as of this writing, baby angel could have been one month old now if God intended to give her to us. i could have been planning for her christening and buying her outfits for christmas. but it's not yet her time... we will be welcoming joyfully when it is. :)