a letter to papa after a year...

it was one year ago, at around 2 a.m., when i received a text mesage from mama telling me that you were in the hospital. my heart was pounding hard at that moment because i knew something was terribly wrong with you as before that day you phoned me to say that you were experiencing nausea and vomiting and was feeling weak. it was the first time you personally  called me to tell about your discomforts and from the sound of your voice you were like naglalambing... i told you to see a doctor immediately and to drink gatorade to replenish the lost fluids from your body, which i know you did. few hours after, mama texted me informing that you were already okay and was just sent home by the doctor with prescribed medicines. i was relieved. but i didn't know that later that night you started to vomit again and was weaker than you were that afternoon as you can no longer move your limbs.

i called mama as soon as i received her message and my heart pounded harder when i heard her talking frantically over the phone, "si papa mo bhe (short for baby as i am the youngest)... si papa mo...!!! doc, gawin n'yo lahat please?! babayaran namin kayo kahit magkano!" then dead signal. i was in our room at that moment and jude, who just arrived from the office, was standing beside me and was as curious as to what had happened to you. i was in total mess that time and couldn't decide what to do first. i thought of praying and i knelt to God and pleaded that He save you; called ate who was living in bicol that time to tell her the tragic news; then gathered the kids as we couldn't leave them especially theo. after ten minutes we were already heading to the hospital where you were rushed. i continued praying while inside the car as i was hoping that God would hear me. but when we were already half-way to the site of the hospital, a concerned neighbor of yours, who also assisted mama in bringing you to the hospital, broke the news thru a call that you were declared dead on arrival. it crushed my heart... in just a matter of hours, you who fathered me for almost thirty-three years is gone... and in just a snap of a finger, you who is so special to me was taken away.

you were already in the morgue when i saw you again. it was already your lifeless body which i embraced but i knew that you were just around and was listening to me. the more i felt so devastated when ate asked me that i just hugged you for her as she didn't think that she will have the chance to hug you once she arrived with her kids. if we really just could turn back the time papa, and ask one wish from God it is to have the chance to hug you before your last breath. i knew that it would be coming but i never thought it was that soon.

it was more than a year ago and i thought writing this blog which i attempted to write more than 11 months ago would be less painful. but tears are flowing from my eyes. it only shows that am still hurting over your sudden death. the regrets and what if's are still here but i must be reminded that God already called you to join him in heaven. there were a lot of nagging thoughts in my mind after your passing but time filtered it and now i had nothing but good to say...

i love you papa and i miss you so much. iñigo also misses you and you know what... he keeps on reminding me during our night prayer to mention about you to Jesus. he saw his picture with you during theo's baptism and he was happy that he had a photo with you.

i know you are already with our Creator as you ought to be. you were a good father. i would always remember the bonding moments we had when i was a kid... we'd bike around the neighborhood, you'd tutor me, you'd draw for me, you'd give me 25 cents everyday so i can buy the junkfood that i want. i know i wasn't a perfect daughter. there was a stage in my life when i thought you were so strict and i was rebelling. sorry if i'd given you heartaches and have caused you sleepless nights. everyone also thought that you were really good as even until your last breath you decided not to give us, your kids, anything to worry about. you chose not to be a burden and you even told me and jude that you are already happy and content to see your kids happy with their married life.

you were also a good husband. i never saw you lifting your hand to hurt mama. you were always forgiving and understanding. i could also not remember any weekends that you weren't around to spend it for vices. you were a family man. and together with her, you made a lot of sacrifices to send me and my siblings to good schools which i know were beyond your capacities.

and above anything else, you were a good man. you exemplified the virtues which you taught us such as honesty, humility, and diligence. the more i remember you as a man of principles. you fought for what you believed in no matter what you're going against at. and how can i forget your story of tocino? i got my big faith in God from you as i grew up hearing this story of yours as you loved to tell other people how God was so good to our family.

thank you papa for all the good memories... they were all saved in my memory bank. thank you for loving me unselfishly... i will pass this onto my kids.

and though i miss you so much i am somehow comforted by the idea that you are already settled and happy with Him. i thought right after your death that i already lost a father. but i realized that i did not, you were only flown Up to father us in a more special way.

love,
grace/marie/bhe