on living on our own: my message to you, my friends.

i was exchanging emails with two of my friends lately and was giving advices on whether they should stay with their in-laws or move out, as they were asking. one friend will be marrying her long-time boyfriend near the end of this year and is in a dilemma now whether she will agree with her fiancé that they will live first in his parents’  house so they can build their coffer first before they live separately, hopefully in a house of their own. while another friend currently shares the house with her in-laws until now and after some years of being together under one roof, the relationship she has with them turned from sweet to bitter.

and timing it was that while i’m doing this post, another thread about living with in-laws brewed up in the forum i belong with and i can’t help but smile while reading the replies of the other members.

i know there’s no perfect living arrangement as living with or without the parents or in-laws has its own pros and cons. but for me, and hopefully for jude =p, our decision to live outside the turf of our parents has been one of the wisest decisions we’ve ever made. yes, it’s true that there’s an extended support system when you live with or near the parents like someone can watch over the kids in your absence or help you inside the house when you need an extra hand, etc. but jude and i were able to survive without this even through our most difficult times. it was hard and taxing but with a little creativity and an additional pound of patience, we managed to resolve these problems with little assistance from our folks. and look… we’re still alive! =D

i just strongly feel that the benefits of living on our own still outweigh the disadvantages that’s why i would never give this up. i can only cite one advantage of being in an extended family which i have already mentioned above but for the life we chose, i can tell a lot.

he’s the king and i’m the only queen of our house. we have heard of this statement before, “sa bahay isa lang dapat ang reyna” and i have the right to validate it. one of the best things i like about our living arrangement is i can give my rules inside the house with jude as my only consultant and critic, i can sleep and wake up whenever i want, i can cook whatever my palate desires, i can clean or not the house depending on my mood, i can go out and bring my kid with me as far as my heart desires (and no one makes simangot, hehe), etc. unlike when i’m in another’s house it’s me who has to follow the rules and make adjustments in order to live harmoniously with its owners.

we are in control of our parenting styles. i know grandparents can be spoilers to their apos (my mother is) and can be critics of our parenting styles. another advantage of our living arrangement right now is we’re the only one who decides on how we’re going to rear or raise our kid and we can use disciplinary measures that we wanted without considering the opinion of the others. it irks me most when someone comments on my mothering skills especially on trivial matters so it’s best that we (me and my son) shun away from the public eye. =)

let me tell you a story: jude has a barkada from don bosco whose wife and sons live with his parents and siblings under one roof--chaos! one time, his wife (who’s also now my friend that’s why I learned about her story) spanked his eldest with a broom stick which made the poor boy cry out loud enough to be heard by the lola who immediately went up to where they were and scolded his daughter-in-law for her violence. my friend who also happens to be a maldita (hehe; she knows it) spoke up in a way that earned the wrath of her mother-in-law. to cut the story short, my friend is now the villain in that house as even her father and siblings-in-law no longer speak with her. i told this story to jude and pointed out the mistake of his friend’s mother as she should have spoken first to her son if she doesn’t agree with her DIL’s disciplining style and not scold her in front of the kid. that’s what respect means… but in the ending of our discussion, i opined that that incident wouldn’t happen in the first place if they live outside that house… agree?

we were forced have a house of our own. if you want to live separately and you think that you’re wasting money on rentals, you have the biggest motivation to have your own house early on in your married life. you’ll be more disciplined with the way you handle your income and you think big when it comes to savings so you can pay the monthly amortization. it’s what happened to us. i forced jude that we have a house of our own and made magic with our budget. haha. it's hard and we really have to stick with the essentials and just some wants. but look at us now... within our three years of marriage, we are already proud owners of a house and lot while others are still dreaming of it. no offense meant to others, but i really think that others are still complacent of living with their parents or in-laws as they still enjoy the free lodging.

we have our privacy. imagine if am the nagging type of wife or jude and i will go into a verbal tussle and my parents or his parents will hear us from the other room? que horror! with just having jude and iñigo, and sometimes a househelp, inside our house, i don’t have to screen my words and actions… even our clothing… so as to put an image that is not me.

it made us tougher and more ready for the world. since we only depend on each other inside the house, may it be house chores or bigger matters, jude and i carried all the responsibilities all by ourselves which honed us to be more mature and resilient now. as jude told me one time after a very busy day, he can already migrate abroad with just me and iñigo. =)

i believe in the saying that “familiarity breeds contempt”. enough said…

this post has gone too long.  i just want to tell my friends that marriage is complicated enough so don’t complicate it further by having too many things to mind or worry about. zero in on what you’ve promised to each other and to God when you took your vow: you’ll commit your lifetime to your spouse and your kid/s. PERIOD. God probably knows that we can’t serve both our parents and our own family at the same time and with the same passion that’s why even the scripture says that we leave our parents as soon as we marry. there’s nothing wrong with living on our own…. it’s even one of the bests that you can give to your family, i think.